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Confession of the Exhausted Supermom

So, Friend, I know I can trust you with this…

here’s the stark, honest truth:

 

I couldn’t hack it.

 

I can’t homeschool.

 

And I know all you wise homeschooling moms full of years of experience and dozens of obedient children are going to shoot off advice and list off books and websites I should read to put my back into it and pull this thing through.  But the stark naked honesty is that that which I call my sugar-thing, (which is really just a portion of the bizarre hormone cocktail I live with here on fallen planet earth, called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome,) demands I keep pulling on the reigns of my stress level OR ELSE!  And that OR ELSE made life and teaching and mothering and homemaking and ministry impossible to do all at the same time.

 

It wasn’t fair to my husband.  It wasn’t fair to my children.  It wasn’t fair to my sanity.

That and my son Xavier started acting out, demanding attention from a rung out mom, biting and kicking and hitting… things he hasn’t done since last time I homeschooled.  He hates homeschooling.

 

So once more I come to the end of myself.

 

The children are happily back at elementary school with brilliant teachers and hallways of children smiling and saying their names excitedly and waving at them.

And I?  After I wept for a few days, banging my fists against the pillows in disappointment, I am now shoveling us out of the chaos that snowed in over the last few months.

 

And acknowledging the end of myself.  And now that I am not trying to earn my cape as  supermom, the end is where I can finally hear God again.  And what is He saying?

I’ve got this.  Do you hear me, Summer?  I’ve got this.

 

Be sill and know the I am God.

by Summer Gross

 

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Sharing my story and my struggle with Jennifer’s group of lovely writers at:

 

Anglican priest, spiritual director, homeschool mom of three and still in love with my high school sweetheart. I love listening to your hard and holy stories and setting the table for you to spend time in the Presence of God. My mission? Giving you tools to go from anxious to resting in God.

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This Post Has 13 Comments

  1. Ah, sister, if ever there were a time that I could relate it’s now. Thankful that He has given you guidance and clarity. You are a super mom and not any less so because you send your children to school! Love you and looking forward to seeing you in a couple months!

  2. Oh sweet summer!! I tear up reading this because I know this overwhelmed feeling…ironically we are starting homeschooling next monday, ha. But this is a good check for me. Am I staying healthy. Am I staying on top of “me time” …. which I NEVER do. Am I getting filled. I hope you are replenished in the weeks to come. Let’s talk again soon!

  3. Oh Summer, I feel as if I haven’t seen you or your writing in for-ever!! So glad to see your honest, real, and transparent voice. You surely are feeling peace. Welcome back. Hope you feel a calm in your spirit, friend.

  4. Thank you – I needed this today. I also have PCOS and have also reached, just this week, the end of myself. In my case, the hormone insanity means I can’t make enough milk to feed my new baby. I’m still in the weeping and fist-banging stage but now – just now – am wondering if God is speaking those words to me, too.

  5. Having a home that is a sanctuary from the rest of the world is one of the things children (and adults) really, really need. It sounds like you are giving that back to your family. God is more than capable and willing to abundantly fill in where you feel you are leaving gaps in your children’s care. He loves them even more deeply than you do.

    1. I so agree Judy! This sanctuary needed some love down on my hands and knees. Every time I send them to school (this year and last) God gave them some amazing Christian teachers and again, I see His faithfulness!

  6. Oh, friend, you kids are covered and in His hands. And, yes, so are you. My son went to school in a superman cape yesterday for homecoming dress up days and I thought wryly how glad I was to pass “my cape” onto my son. I’m awed by your willingness to listen and follow God’s lead- even when it means changing plans. Even when it means admitting you can’t do it all. And I’m excited to see what He has for you now. Praying for your aching heart and disappointed spirit and asking Him to pour tender mercies over you this morning.

    1. Hi Friend, what is it that makes it so hard to admit that we can’t do it all…that our dreams don’t make sense…that what we though was God’s leading is so clearly not?

      Thanks for your prayers!

  8. Summer..I found your blog via your mom as her and I teamed up a few years ago to start the SBS in Columbus. I met you a few times and our kids are the same ages. I just have to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and willingness to do what is best for your family. I think all too often we, as women, compare ourselves to others and feel like we don’t measure up. But I commend you for caring less about what others think and doing what you needed to do for your family. My kids are at a public school and thus far, we have had a great experience. But something about homeschooling has, in the past, made me feel like I somehow didn’t love my kids as much or have as my patience as other moms and that I should. But how refreshing to hear that you have accepted that you and your husband and each of your kids are uniquely created by God with specific gifts and that you have made the decision best for your family. I wish there were more women who could hear your heart in this post and see that it isn’t ‘being wrong’ to change our minds, but being willing to grow and follow the Spirit’s leading. Bless you and your family!

    1. Hi Kristin,
      I think I remember our sons had a blast together at a SBS at Sue’s house. What a great ministry you guys do!

      Ya, Kristin, I adore the idea of homeschooling and struggle with that same idea…that if I had enough love for my children, I could barrel through. I don’t have the goods and the stress was beginning to show on the faces of my children.

      I have often thought of Madeleine L’Engle’s comment that whenever she got squirrly, her kids begged her to spend more time on her typewriter. Please, Mom, go write! At a recent training for inner healing I went to, I found out that children under the age of three do all of their own emotion regulation based on their mothers. Hmmmm, interesting. I need to care for myself before I care for my children so that I will be able to help them regulate. Anyways, more random thoughts of the complicated nature of motherhood.

      So glad to connect with you…even virtually…Kristin!

  9. Illness can make it hard and stop what we would like to accomplish or finish or continue to do. It is not a failure to stop doing something you think would be better done a different way-as in school instead of home school. The failure is in never trying and in not saying okay this is not the best way for us. I admire your courage and I thank you for posting about your experience.

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